I kissed your lips and I tasted blood. I asked you what happened and you said there’d been a fight. You said I’ve been fighting for my honor but you wouldn’t understand. I said, “Hold on, Your Honor. I’ll get ice for your hand.”
Oh you’ve been fighting for my honor and I don’t understand. But hold on, Your Honor. I’ll get ice for your hand.
You said, “Come on, baby. Let’s just make love. It’s the only thing to make me better.” You said, “Come on, let’s just get you out of that sweater.” I said I don’t kiss losers and I don’t kiss winners. And I don’t fight for honor ‘cause we are all born sinners.
Gargle with peroxide, a steak for your eye. But I’m a vegetarian so it’s a frozen pizza pie. You tell me that you care and you never do lie. And you fight for my honor but I just don’t know why.
Mary had a little lamb with fleece as white as snow. You’ve got me and I’m just a common ho. But I know what I am and I know what I ain’t. So don’t get cut ‘cause I still won’t be no saint.
Gargle with peroxide, a steak for your eye. But I’m a pizzatarian so it’s a frozen pizza pie. You tell me that you love me and you never do lie. And you fight for my honor but I just don’t know why.
You fight for my honor and I don’t understand. But hold on, Your Honor. I’ll get ice for your hand.
Mother, may I lay my head down? What would you say? If all that’s lost may never be found, it’s gone away. I never thought that it would be me. Held so high, fell so far. Mother, may I lay my head down? I’m a falling star.
If I ever could have faked it, would it show? And if I ever could have made it, would I be gold? I never wanted to be what they even wanted me to be. And now this story ends untainted without me.
How do I say this… I don’t even know where to start.
Yes, I admit everything.
I know I’ve hurt you and the people I stole from, the people who loved me for being fake and everything. And I am sorry. I don’t even want to embarrass myself further by giving up the last piece of dignity that I have- the fantasy I drowned into. Who am I to think that you wouldn’t discover one of my deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets? Who doesn’t have anyway? I guess I got so amused by the love I’ve been getting that I got blinded of the fact I was stepping on your head to put myself on a pedestal. A place where I have never been to. A place that I will never get into.
I am so sorry. I really am. If anything, I’d die a thousand deaths just to satisfy you. It pains my heart to realize that I hurt someone. I never enjoyed hurting people, but I became one through what I did so I guess it’s okay to deserve all of these. It is a stupid act, totally pathetic and unacceptable and entirely ridiculous. You deserve a better treatment. I deserve to die. You don’t really have to believe me on this nor understand why I did what I did, but this is the truth and I think you deserve to know. And I think I deserve to punish myself as well by waking myself up from the reality.
When Misshelle introduced me to your blog early 2012, I instantly became a fan. You write so beautiful and so painful and, just like the others, you write my life. I was in a fucked up relationship at that time and reading each and every line you post make me feel that I am not alone. That I am not the only one who’s going through a tough time. That I am not weird and my depression isn’t an isolated case and everything’s gonna be just fine.
I was obsessed. Whenever I read your work, it’s like an autobiography. The littlest details on it are parts of my every waking day, possessed me and controlled me. Your pieces of art were like tiny daggers that stab my heart so beautifully that I started to become a monster.
People liked it. When Lyssa found my first gray hair when there were no emails to respond to, I was immediately dominated by evil. I was going through maturity issues and RF stuff. I thought if I tell people I am getting older and I am hopeful and that everything is going to be okay, they would relate. So I did it. And people were moved. It made me happy to hear “thank you” and receive PM’s like “you inspire me” so maybe it was wrong to steal, but my purpose was to inspire people from the stuff I steal? And yes, she did find my first gray hair and I still have it until now.
And then there were a few more. How I’d like people to remember how beautiful the ending was for me and Dennies, how I crafted the jealousy I feel towards my brother when he gave a grandchild to my parents, how the bibingka post was designed to fit the night I had sex with my college ex after a few years who I lost when he impregnated someone (oh btw, I had three of your stories for him, each being a sequel of the other) and we didn’t really eat bibingka, we just had dirty lugaw. How I didn’t get promoted then finally did, moving out shit, birthday shit, health shit and even how I couldn’t tell my parents I’m gay but it’s all obvious and everything and how I changed the music in the end. I used you to let people know how I feel. I’m not even gonna ennoble that by admitting I forced my friends to comment certain comments from the replies you got, or by PM’ing each and everyone to like my post, but it’s true. I mean, if I say to myself I can’t write so I will just beg the people who I don’t have much common friends with to comment good notes with lovely metaphors of the metaphors, I think I can be a good one. And these heroes and snitchers at my door will love me.
Everyone knows about my unrequited love/best friend/fuck buddy RF. We were never lovers but our relationship is somewhat like one. He takes me to movies, holds my hand in public, understands my crazy, fucks me like a pornstar. Everyone knew that we are lovers because I kept on telling that to whoever is asking. Truth is, I didn’t like to explain what we had because it’s too much of an explanation and I didn’t want people to think that I am ugly, or I am a sugar daddy and it’s impossible to love someone like me. When we were on the verge of “breaking up” when he said he found someone, I used some of your lines to prevent it from happening and it worked. He started to love me even more and I started to become allured by the fantasy of using your work to make him stay, and save the only thing that was making me happy. My one greatest love. And hottest too. He didn’t leave, and I managed to keep him so I guess everything will be fine. I will get what I want. His love, his friendship, his time, sex, real good sex. I was filled with love and life grand illusions only I can understand. The things I never had. The only things that sustained me.
I guess I wanted us to end this way. I had that same exact eraser I kept since grade school which I never used. It had so much meaning to me and so I stole your lines when I finally got the balls to propose to him when we went to Camiguin. I knew it’s not going to work but I took the leap of faith. And I got dismissed. And since then he started to keep his distance. We made a deal and it was clear to us that our relationship can’t go any further. I am his only friend, he’s the only one who fucks me.
Then RF found about the pay-for-sex masseur one. He knew that guy because he saw his naked pictures on my phone. I showed it to him. The guy was really hot, by the way. He’s a regular. He had tattoos and a big dick. Anyway, he told me to stop and that he won’t leave and it made me feel secure at that time.
But it didn’t stop from there. I controlled him by using your work. He knew I had suicidal tendencies and so through the suicide posts, he stayed. I said to myself if I keep on doing this, he will keep on loving me. Those posts detailing resentments, those posts recounting self-pity, the post elaborating paying for sex, blended with how people knew me as a person – those were the things that kept me going. If I kept on stealing, getting the public’s approval and hurting you, I will find a temporary solution to complete me until I find a good reason to drop it. RF always had a different response to each and every one of them that all boils down to one fact: he won’t leave.
But it is what it is and I am me so, who am I fooling? I would actually like to say thank you too for finally helping me setting myself free of all these fantasy and stupid drama and pretense. I am stripped by the hype and I come clean to all. I take off my mask and show all you people all that I am. Life is better when you are not busy playing roles. I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for making you believe I am who you thought I am. I am sorry for stealing someone else’s work to make me feel loved and happy and contented.
But hey, this should not be about me, to my bosses, to my workmates and to the people who thought I am great. This should be about you.
To Nyl, I am sincerely sorry. I can’t even put into words how much I am sorry. All this plagiarist is asking is your forgiveness though I know I do not deserve yours. Only then I can have my humility back. I bow my head down and ask you to excorticate me of all these gold and diamonds I gained from using you. If all that’s lost may never be found, it’s gone away. I never thought it would be me. Held so high. Fell so far. You deserve all the credits and love from my followers. I promise I will never steal again and never touch other people’s stuff. I will stop plagiarizing once and for all. Mikee actually told me to give you my own blog’s link but it wouldn’t do any good and so I’ll just keep it to myself. Sorry Mikee. I also thank you for setting my soul free. I would be jailed in my own little fantasy world had all these been kept in secret. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to explain and to help me realize everything.
In the end, you begin again. It’s the way of all things. I will put these all in the past and start anew. In so many ways I’d like to thank everyone for your sweet messages and concerns. This would be harder had not been through the people who still love and accept me despite being myself. There are crazy and shameful things but you all didn’t care. Then I can finally say I am loved and accepted. Thank you everyone for reminding that I don’t need to be great and precious. Thanks to everyone who caught me right before I crash to the ground. Now, I enter the journey of finding myself again.
“Maybe what tears us apart is what brings us back together
And everything that makes us different really brings us closer
Could you hold me for a little while?
Could you love me without a doubt?
I need you, I need you.
I’m only human. Forgive me.
I’m only human. Love me.”
Finally, I’m free. Everyone, I introduce you to Citybuoy.
♫: Brandy - Human